Wendy's Classic Promo Videos, Served with Extra Cheese!

What do you do when you're the last cut from The Gang in the Kool & the Gang auditions? Or when Paula Abdul steals your backing track and becomes a megastar? Well, either you plunge yourself off the nearest high rise, or you buck up and offer your significant musical talents for a Wendy's promotional video!

These videos, like the Chris Dane Owens classic I previously posted, put me in a tough position. Sure, I should be making fun of these. BUT THEY'RE SO GOOD. Whoever wrote these somehow integrated the instructions of a Wendy's new employee manual into lyrics that rhyme and go with various 80s-sounding backing tracks. I have posted a few below for your viewing enjoyment.

I'm trying to figure out how the workers viewed these. Nowadays they would all be slouched down in their seats, snickering or possibly cracking up. But back then, when irony wasn't so firmly imbedded in our collective consciousness, I could see them all getting into it, picking up brooms and trays and doing an interpretive dance a la the hospital scene in Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo. Either way, "Hot Drinks" is incredibly catchy, and kinda makes me want to quit my job and work at Wendy's. He's got quite a voice, which I'm sure would be an incredible asset to the corporate office.

"Cold Drinks" is a straight up "Straight Up" rip off, and frankly, I'm not really comfortable with the way that lady is looking at me. I'm not sure Dave Thomas would be OK with little Wendy watching this borderline sleazelectro video. Things get really weird around the :55 mark. The worker raps a great couplet ("Then hand the drink to the coordinator, and tell the guest you'll see them later."), but then she starts groaning like disco-era Donna Summers while this creepy-ass voice gives directions from on-high. WOAH. Bit too much.

"Chili Can be Served with Cheese" is a funky soul jam. If this doesn't move your hips like Wendy's chili with cheese moves your bowels, then I just don't know what to tell you. I have no idea how this guy gets so meticulous with his directions (bowls versus cups, figure eight stirring motion, eight ounce ladels, etc.) and still keeps his groove, but he pulls it off! The CHEESE font at 1:05 just puts this over the top. Absolutely genius. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go to Wendy's, turn in an application, and get a large Frosty at the drive through while blaring this song.

Wu-Tang Clan - C.R.E.A.M./Gza - Liquid Swords/Raekwon - Knuckleheadz/Ghostface Killah - One

I went to Rock the Bells last weekend. The format was different this year, as they had most acts play their biggest album front to back. For Tribe, it was Midnight Marauders, for Snoop, it was Doggystyle, and for Wu-Tang Clan, it was Enter the Wu-Tang (36 Chambers). I missed almost all of Slick Rick, and Rakim and Tribe weren't as good as they were last year. Lauryn Hill was better than I expected her to be, considering how much of a hot mess she's become lately. I came primarily to see Wu, and I was also pretty excited to hear Doggystyle. Snoop was predictably great - funny and smooth like he always is. But the highlight, of course, was Wu-Tang.

It was just great to see them all on the same stage! ODB's son was there, but thankfully he was mostly just lip-synching. If there's one time I'm ok with lip-synching, it's when the son of a dead rapper is up on stage with the potential to wreck a performance by spewing garbage over some of the greatest MCs that ever lived.

C.R.E.A.M. is quite obviously one of the greatest rap songs ever. Perfect sample, perfect everything. The never-ending debate deals with the best Wu solo album. Liquid Swords and Only Built For Cuban Linx are 1a and 1b in my opinion, but if I had to choose I'd say Liquid Swords. Gza is the smoothest rapper, and the best lyricist. Listen to the beginning of verse 2. Game over.

I'm on a mission that niggaz say is impossible
But when I swing my swords they all choppable
I be the body dropper, the heartbeat stopper
Child educator, plus head amputator
Cause niggaz styles are old like Mark 5 sneakers
Lyrics are weak, like clock radio speakers

But daaaaaaaaaaaaaamn, Cuban Linx is amazing. Love the bass on Knuckleheadz, and Raekwon's flow goes so perfectly with this beat. Supreme Clientele isn't quite on the level of LS and OBFCL, but it's still a solid album. The chorus on "One" is borderline ridiculous, but the beat is great, and I love the "ONE" sample in the background.

Janelle Monae - Wondaland/Cold War

Last weekend was the last gasp before the school year started, so on Sunday I went to the Outside Lands Music Festival. I had already seen Phoenix (who rules), so I was perhaps most excited about seeing Janelle Monae. I'd seen her perform on Letterman, and she can get down like James Brown. She came on a little late, so she only had time to play four songs, but she was amazing. In contrast to M.I.A.'s abortion of a performance last year, she showed that she can REALLY sing. All the dancing and showmanship in the world can't cover up a sh*tty voice, right? Oops, I forgot. M.I.A. can't dance either!

So I finally got around to downloading Monae's album, and it's huge! The two songs I posted are both upbeat, but there are a whole range of songs on the album, and almost all of them work! Her big single, Tightrope, isn't even close to my favorite song, but if you youtube the video or Letterman performance, you'll see examples of her awesome stage show.

Great first week of school! Going to Rock the Bells the weekend, and the lineup is just ridiculous. Wu Tang, Tribe, Snoop, Rakim, Slick Rick, Lauryn Hill (could be a trainwreck at this point, but we'll see), DJ Premier, KRS-One. Out of control.

Bananarama - I Heard a Rumour/Mary Jane Girls - My House/Vanity 6 - Nasty Girl

I think I'm gonna be in charge of the music for an 80s-themed party next weekend. Now this is not a responsibility I take lightly. It's a fun job, to be sure, but one that must be approached with a well-thought-out strategy. I've been thinking, and as I see it 80s music basically falls into three categories. The first category contains bands or songs that transcend all the cliches and restraints that we associate with 80s music. Artists that fall into this category include Talking Heads, Prince, REM, etc. The second category are bands or songs that aren't that good, but are corny enough in that endearing way so as to touch off both nostalgia and deep chortles when heard by the 80s nostalgia-demographic. Think Mr. Mister and Laura Branigan. Then there's a special third category, which includes artists that are still corny or dated in that special 80s way, but also write good, catchy songs. These songs are great because you can really enjoy the songs, but at the same time you can simultaneously reminisce about Solid Gold, Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo, or whatever other 80s curiosity the song brings to mind.

Three songs/videos that definitely fall into the third category are the ones posted below. I actually think that the Bananarama song is so good that it might merit first category placement, but in the end no one probably cares! I just remember how freaking in love with these chicks I was as a ten year old. Ooooo weee! I think I officially came of age during the Venus video. This song has great harmonies and semi-awkward repeated circular hand motions that I suppose pass for dance moves.

The Mary Jane Girls are awesome. Rick James was their producer, so I'm sure they suffered for their art at one point or another. :o Seems like the blonde is already decked out in a quasi-bondage outfit. Wonder if she was bummed out that she didn't get to wear the wedding dress.

So as we reach what could be the apex of 80s sleezelectro (I just coined a genre name! It's better than chillwave or nightbus, at least), we come to Vanity. Vanity got so hopped up on coke and Prince in the 80s she became born-again. Thankfully for us, she left us this little pearl of greatness. When you get past the fact that she has a stripper name, and her stage act seems to be training for a career somewhere along those lines, this song's pretty great. Solid beat, synths, and chorus. And damn that dude on Soul Train was smooth.

The Knife - Heartbeats/Silent Shout

I think I've finally turned a corner in the grieving process for my lost music. Think that scene in Top Gun when, with the theme song dramatically swelling in the background, Tom Cruise finally flings Goose's little military ID keychain thingies into the ocean. Don't try to tell me that scene, even on the 78th viewing, still doesn't move you! Anyway, I've figured out a twisted sort of logic to try to turn this horrifying negative into something of a positive. I feel like I was losing contact with some of my music, that as the albums piled up, I wasn't even really seeing many of them as I scrolled through my Ipod. It was just this huge blob of artists, albums, and songs, and the only ones that really stood out at any one time were the five to seven albums I was currently obsessing on.

So now, as I'm adding most of them back in, I'm forced to really reflect on my current relationship with the albums. Is the romance still burning as brightly as it used to? Will a little quality time bring the spark back, or is a divorce the best thing for both parties? Do I really need complete discographies of certain artists, or should I simply accept that there are some steaming turds in their catalogues, purge those, and move on? I've already started doing this, and rekindled some beautiful love affairs that had long been neglected.

Before my recent tragedy, I hadn't listened to the Knife in at least six to eight months. I liked Silent Shout when it came out, but now that I'm revisiting it and their other albums I'm realizing just how flipping amazing they are. Heartbeats (actually from their Deep Cuts album) and Silent Shout are such different-sounding songs, but both are amazing. Karin Dreijer's vocals are great on Heartbeats, but the smothered, creepy vocals on Silent Shout also work with the darker sound.

NOTE: If anybody knows of a Superfluous Movie Referenceaholics Anonymous chapter in the Bay Area, please let me know.

Joe Jackson - Steppin' Out

There's a melody that haunted me for about fifteen years. I would get it in my head, but I couldn't for the life of me place it. I knew it was played on the piano, and the basic progression, but that's it. In 2000 I was at ad school, and a bunch of us were hanging out at this pub. I think it was the only pub on South Beach, so it was a pretty great place to go to get away from the velvet rope scene. All of a sudden "Steppin' Out" came on the jukebox, and I almost fainted. Maybe it's hyperbolic, and maybe I'm as dorky as Joe Jackson, but I seriously think this is one of the most beautiful pop songs ever.

I must have first heard this song with my sister in the 80s, sitting around the radio listening to Casey Casem. The piano melody combined with the lyrics is just so sad and nostalgic and perfect. I guess on the surface it's just a song about going out, but the lines about being "so tired of all the darkness in our lives," being "young but getting old before our time," and "dress(ing) in pink and blue just like a child" imbue it with something more for me. Then there's the video. I lived in Manhattan for about a year when I was a little kid, and I still go back there all the time. The music combined with the 80s shots of New York City just destroy me. It's like the feeling I get listening to Pet Sounds. Slightly emo, but also happy. Every emotion rolled into one giant Joe Jackson bald spot. Those days will never come back, but I'll always have this song.


The mist across the window hides the lines
But nothing hides the colour
Of the lights that shine
Electricity so fine
Look and dry your eyes

We
So tired of all the darkness in our lives
With no more angry words to say
Can come alive
Get into a car and drive
To the other side

Me babe - steppin out
Into the night
Into the light
You babe - steppin out
Into the night
Into the light

We
Are young but getting old before our time
We'll leave the t.v. and the radio behind
Don't you wonder what we'll find
Steppin out tonight

You
Can dress in pink and blue
Just like a child
And in a yellow taxi turn to me and smile
We'll be there in just a while
If you follow me

Me babe - steppin out
Into the night
Into the light
You babe - steppin out
Into the night
Into the light

Slint - Good Morning, Captain/Nosferatu Man

I just saw Winter's Bone, an amazing film about a girl living in the Ozarks who, in order to stop her dirt poor family from being kicked out of their house, has to search through the local network of meth heads and criminals to find her likely dead father. The lead actress, Jennifer Lawrence, is incredible, but another thing that struck me is the relentlessly bleak mood the filmmaker creates. It was filmed on location, and the cinematography accentuates the bleakness and post-apocalyptic feel. The way she films the scenes in burnt-out buildings, dilapidated houses, and bullpens (hopefully you can call backstage at a rodeo where they keep the bulls the bullpen, cause I think it works!) all add to the feeling of darkness and dread. Thankfully for some, Lawrence is so incredible and inspiring that this really isn't a "depressing" film.

Slint does such an amazing job of creating mood in their music. Supposedly during the recording of Spiderland the band was kind of coming apart at the seams, and in a way it shows. Their playing is incredible, almost scarily precise, but it's all so heavy and dark. "Good Morning Captain" is just the greatest. I love how at 2:05 it switches instantly from the heavy guitars to the angular guitars and punchy drums. Absolutely classic, with that menacing bassline creeping in the background. Then the hoarse vocals at the end, as the shipwreck story reaches the climax. So good. I wanted to play this when I taught "Wreck of the Hesperus."

Nosferaru Man is straight evil. It sounds submerged in a layer of dark clouds, but with the Gang of Four guitar-as-chainsaws shooting through the fog. The guitars start chugging along at the end of the song, but before they get monotonous they start flipping around, running into walls, and finally are massacred and dissolve in a pile. Listening to these songs can be exhausting, I can only imagine what went into creating them.