Verbose Versions of '80s Rock Song Titles!

For better or worse, I grew up listening to 80s rock. Some of it was good: Guns N' Roses, Metallica, and... I know there's another one in there. Some of it was, in retrospect, really bad. I will cop to enjoying Poison, Cinderella, Whitesnake, and many other neon-colored stinkers. I've got no shame, though. I was a kid, and that's what was on MTV and the radio at the time. Most people that claim they were listening to The Smiths and Primal Scream at nine are just engaging in unnecessary revisionist history, anyway. I say embrace the follies of youth! I'm gonna own the twelve-year-old jean jacket-wearing, long hair-growing, Stephen King-reading kid I was. Those were good times, and maybe those times would have been different if I'd still been in the basement, shooting game after game of pool with Pink Floyd's Animals playing in the background.

80s rock-be it hair metal or metal metal-was never much for subtlety. Every guitar solo had to be wankier than the previous one, and every Aqua-netted hairstyle had to be higher than the last one. I figure that the song titles for these "classics" should reflect the hyperbolic grandeur of the era. And so I present to you VERBOSE VERSIONS OF 80s ROCK SONG TITLES. Editor's note: this might be really lame. 

Sammy Hagar: "While I Am Aware of the Necessity of Parameters Regarding Speed Limits, I Nevertheless Find it Difficult to Adhere to Them"  🎸🔥🎸 YEAH! Let's do this!!!!

Gun's N Roses: "I Was Amorously Engaged With Her in the Recent Past, But Even More Recently I Facilitated Her Expiration In a Crime of Passion"  💋💔👹🚨🚑💘 Can you believe these guys are touring again? Axel looks like a poorly made Madame Toussaint figure, but the rest of the band-especially Slash-actually sound pretty good. Would I dare go to a show? Probably not, but you never know!

Bon Jovi: "Love Is Represented In a Negative Light Due to Your Past Behavior in the Aforementioned Category" 💏💘😡 I never got into Bon Jovi. They were seen as a band that girls were into. I WAS WAY TOO MACHO FOR THAT. It was like how everybody loved the album Hysteria by Def Leppard, but the girls were really into "Love Bites." The guys, however, thought it was kinda wussy. Therefore, during lunch, the girls would stare far into the distance when Joe Elliot sang, "When you make love, do you look in the mirror?" (?!?!) and the guys would scoff and bark, "PUT ON 'DONT SHOOT SHOTGUN,' MAN!" See Extreme's "More than Words" for even more compelling evidence regarding this phenomenon.

I'm posting a link to Mr. Brownstone because Appetite for Destruction still stands up after all these years, Slash's guitar solo kicks *** without being wanky, and this was always my favorite AFD track, even before I had any idea that Mr. Brownstone was heroin! OMG. Metaphors, you guys. 

https://youtu.be/KVYDnQwi3OQ

Grace Jones & Blood Orange at The Greek Theater

I saw Blood Orange and Grace Jones at The Greek Theater Saturday night. Blood Orange sounded even better live than he does on his records. Every member of his band was stellar: the sax wasn't schmaltzy, the rhythm section was tight, and his two backup vocalists complemented his vocals perfectly. He switched between keyboards and guitar, and he owned the stage. He was opening for an icon, but he performed like a headliner. Chamakay sounded especially amazing. When I see a song I love, and the live rendition makes me love it even more... that's proof that I've seen a great show.

Grace Jones' music was funky and fun, but she's so much more than just music. Like Bowie, Bjork, and Kate Bush, she transcends looks. She's a living canvas, and she's constantly transforming. When she smashed cymbals together during a song, she hadn't brought them out there just to play them. She fanned them out from each side of her face, completing a visual persona that looked like a mix between a peacock and a dilophosaurus. She also had as much fun with the audience as maybe any performer I've seen. Great show!

Blood Orange: Chamakay

https://youtu.be/-HSxllErrSc

What's the single greatest lyric in the history of recorded music?! I totally know that!

Whew! I just got back from Ashland, Oregon. I hung out with family and saw Hamlet at the Oregon Shakespeare Festival. Fun times! However, when I drive twelve hours in three days, I listen to a lot of music. I probably had a three to one music-to-podcast ratio on this odyssey. NINE HOURS OF MUSIC, PEOPLE. A lot can happen to a man's ears in nine hours. 

I've been listening to more podcasts than music lately, so going back to an old playlist of some of my favorite songs was really fun. I started thinking about lyrics that have resonated with me over a long period of time. Harsh human truths, wacky phonetic gymnastics, profound metaphors, slick slant rhymes, sharp imagery. These are the things that really melt my butter. That sounded odd, but I'm leaving it! Anyway, these lines obviously benefit from the intersection of words, vocals, and music. But while they're all from kick-ass songs, they also stand out on the page.

Here are the lyrics I heard today that are all-timers for me:

Well, the girls would turn the color of an avocado, when he would drive down the street in his El Dorado (Modern Lovers)

I had a man in every town, but I thought of you each time I tore off my gown (Marissa Nadler)

First of all, who's your A & R? A mountain climber who plays an electric guitar. But he don't know the meaning of dope when he's looking for a suit and tie rap that's cleaner than a bar of soap (Wu Tang [GZA])

You've been makin' your brags around town that you've been lovin' my man, but the man I love, when he picks up trash, he puts it in a garbage can. (Loretta Lynn)

Cause I always say "I love you" when I mean "turn out the light". And I say "let's run away" when I just mean "stay the night". (Magnetic Fields [Jason Merritt])

I kissed goodbye the howling beast on the borderline that separated you from me. (Bob Dylan)

I drink Moët with Medusa, give her shotguns in hell, from the spliff that I lift and inhale, it ain't hard to tell (Nas using the double meaning of getting stoned off marijuana and Medusa turning people that look at her into stone. Whaaaaaaaaaat? So great)

Again and again the same situation, after so many years, tethered to a ringing telephone in a room full of mirrors (Joni Mitchell)

Lucy you're my girl, Lucy you're a star, Lucy please be still and hide your madness in a jar, but do beware, it will follow you, it will follow you (Brian Eno)

The captain is a one-eyed dwarf, he's throwing dice along the wharf, in the land of the blind the one-eyed man is king (Tom Waits)

I'm seeing body after body and our Mayor Giuliani ain't trying to see no black man turn into John Gotti (Notorious BIG) 

They say he sprung from the skull of Athena, think of your own head and the headache he gave (Liz Phair) 

Mama, here comes midnight with the dead moon in its jaws (Songs: Ohia [Jason Molina]) 

It doesn't mean that much to me to mean that much to you (Neil Young)

Any other suggestions?! Leave them in the comments for a chance to win a Sony Walkman signed by Bea Arthur's ex-housekeeper! 

Tame Impala: Let It Happen & Pennies Are Brown, and They're Getting Me Down

NONEXISTENT-EDITOR'S NOTE: Embedding YouTubes in this newfangled Blogger version is still, for the most part, beyond me, so I'll just plop the URL at the bottom of the post and yearn for the days of stone tablets and Nintendo.

Teaching AP English Language and Composition for the first time this year, I became obsessed with reading and writing nonfiction arguments. The anthology we taught out of was by far the best text I have ever used. It was filled with incredible articles, essays, and speeches by some of the most interesting people of the past two hundred years. Plus, the units were awesome! Gender, education, pop culture, etc. 

Entering the world of AP also meant showing the kids sample essays graded on the AP scale, and one of those essay topics dealt with the proposed elimination of the penny. This topic was written about with varying degrees of success by the "sample" students, and all of them at least attempted to write in the academic voice. I, however, have no responsibility to either academic language or precise diction, this being an infrequently updated blog of questionable quality.

Therefore, I am going mano a mano (sp?) with the penny. Like Ali in Manila, Ozone and Turbo in Breakin', and Tina Turner in Thunderdome, I'm going steel cage status with this worthless warrior. I am pissed, and I am The Copper Stopper. The Lincoln-Coin Liquidator. The Cent Sniper. The penny, for all it's cutesy, outdated, Horatio Alger in bootstraps connotations, is a waste of time, space, and Lincoln's bearded mug.

What truly set off this vitriolic rant? Well, yesterday I was rushing to grab the bus. The wonderful folks at MUNI (or SF gov. or Tywin Lannister or whoever) recently jacked up the price of bus service from $2.00 per four hour window to $2.25 per four hour window. I don't ride the bus enough for this to matter in any real practical sense, but a simple ride on the bus now requires both remembering to bring dollar bills and subsequently digging for change.

No big deal, you say? WRONG, FRIENDO. GARGANTUAN DEAL. I am a man. A man's man. A "Toby Keith playing tackle football on Sunday with that overweight Southern comedian guy that does Priloseic ads where he water skis through a circle of fire onto a backyard with a table stacked with ribs" man. Therefore, I don't have a purse. Or that "It's European!" bag from Seinfeld. I simply have a bursting at the seams wallet (two Seinfeld allusions in two sentences!) with a little change pouch in the middle.

So picture this scene, if you can, without averting your imagination eyes. My MUNI app says the bus is coming NOW. I'm two blocks away. For some reason I haven't stopped listening to the Jesus and Mary Chain song so I can focus on freaking out about this. I have preplanned the two singles I need for bus fare. All good, right? NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! I need a quarter!!!!

Ok, deep breaths. I need a quarter, or at the very least a combination of dimes and nickels adding up to twenty-five cents. Sidebar: I've always been a huge fan of the dime. So small, with such distinctive texture on the side. Solid work, Master of Coin! Anyway, my aforementioned bulging wallet is, discounting the width of business cards procured in 1998, bulging mostly due to coins inside the little pouch in the middle. Surely I'm set!

I thrust my hands in the pouch, blindly searching for twenty-five cents to give to Zuul the Gatekeeper (or is it Gozer the bus driver?) so I can take a thirty minute ride to the Mission. ( :/ ) There's at least six coins in there, so although I'll be sweaty and vaguely anxious once I get on the bus, I'LL GET ON THE BUS. I dump the coins in one hand while I too precariously for not having a cover hold my iPhone in the other hand. I feel like what I imagine it must have been for gold rushers to sift through brackish water in the hopes of striking it rich back in the mid 1800s (maybe?). The stakes aren't quite as high, but you get the point, I'm sure! Let's see: dime (ole pal!), penny (bastard!), penny (I SWEAR!), nickel (the character actor of coins), penny (PANIC!!!), PENNY.

So, in the end, after trudging through the treacherous terrain of seven increasingly bougie city blocks and sprinting the last two, I'm like Elaine Benes after obnoxiously drumming her fingers on the counter of the Nazi's soup shop. (#3!) I'm gonna have to either Uber it to the Mission (guilt), drive (parking hell), or wait thirty-five minutes (if I'm lucky) for the next vehicular monstrosity to rescue me.

That is my personal tale of woe. One of many, I might add. In the end, you can trace practically every tragedy of the last ten years (conservative estimate!) to the penny. I have neither the time nor the inclination to provide evidence for this claim, so you're just gonna have to trust me. The penny, the smushed rusty turd of the coin universe, ruins lives and makes people sweaty.



Tame Impala is the best band there is right now. This track, off their soon-to-be-released album Currents, is less rock-ish than their other stuff, but it's still great. SEE THEM LIVE.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=toU0_qZtOOA

My Favorite Songs From a Year That Ended 3 Months Ago!

It's been about a year since I last posted. It was an annoying YouTube glitch and the user-unfriendliness of Blogger on iPad that initially slowed my momentum, and then I just stopped. But it's been far too long! I'm back! My three to four loyal readers can drag themselves out of the deep depression that descended upon them in my absence. It is the dawning of a new day!!!

But things are gonna be different now. I'm a year older, and a year wiser. No more frivolity. No more cringe-inducing puns. No more verbal vomit splattered on your precious desktop screen. Oh no. This time it's gonna be different. I am now completely dedicated to truth, justice, and spending at least twenty minutes per blog post. Those unsightly 4/10s you've slogged through over the years? I'm promising you solid 5s across the board. I refuse to be the 2010 Golden State Warriors! Will I be the 2015 Warriors? No, but I'll pull a good post out out of my *** every once in a while, like David Lee getting fifteen and ten in garbage time.

Since it's been so long, I felt the need to share my three favorite songs from last year. While songs like "Black Ballerina" by Ariel Pink were catchy and fun, and basically everything Burial releases is amazing, these three songs will stand the test of time. Or at least until the "Best of 2015" lists come out.

"Johnny and Mary": Todd Terje featuring Bryan Ferry

Bryan Ferry=a god. Todd Terje=some electronic music producer I had never heard of before this song came out. However! This song is sublime, and the whole album is a cool mix of some songs that sound like they belong on Miami Vice, and some songs that sound like they belong in a broom closet in Studio 54.

"Lie, Cheat, Steal": Run the Jewels

This whole album rules, and this is one of my favorite tracks. Great beats, grimy production, smart lyrics. Done!

"Bad Girls": Tennis 

I obviously have a serious sore spot for this band, but this song is a big step for them. This girl group-ish sound is the best showcase for Alaina Moore and Patrick Riley's lyrics, and she kills it with the vocals in the second half of the song. 

Tennis - Mean Streets & Game of Thrones (nospoilersinsideipromise!)

The Final Four starts today, and my school, the University of Florida, is playing. Very exciting! Another exciting event this weekend is the premier of season four of Game of Thrones. I did my best to avoid the clutches of the show, because I have no interest in the genre(s). However, the writing, characters, and acting are just too good to ignore. The show is brilliant.

Everyone has their favorite character, and I'm no different. I love Cersei for being the damaged, ruthless ice queen, I love Tywin for being even more ruthless and calculating, and I love Arya for just being the pint-sized badass she is. There are plenty of other great ones, such as Bronn, Daenaryus, Lady Olenna Tyrell, etc. However, it's Final Four weekend, so let's focus on characters that truly embody the personalities of our Final Four teams.

Tyrion Lannister = The University of Florida: While Tyrion is underestimated and disrespected for being knee-high to a grasshopper, UF is also underestimated for not having any huge one-and-done, overhyped stars. However, both display intelligence and determination that make them powerful and dangerous. Hopefully no Florida players are dating prostitutes with anger issues, cause Donovan will come down on them like an exasperated Tywin Lannister digging out deer guts. 

Jamie Lannister = The University of Kentucky: Like Jamie, UK started out with more talent than anyone, but also hampered by arrogance and a false sense of invincibility. However, they have since been taken down a notch or two, which has seemed to force them to mature a bit. Will this be enough to allow them to finally live up to their vaunted family name? Who knows, but one things for sure. Cersei and Callipari have both made some pretty horrified looking faces watching them this year.

Bran Stark = University of Connecticut: They both had a pretty, uh, challenging start to the year, and not many people gave them much of a chance of competing for the Iron Throne. However, as the year went on, Shabazz Napier started playing like a pissed off dire wolf, and other teams started dropping like Stannis' soldiers dipped in wildfire. They've seemingly got less to work with than the other teams, but will their secret weapon roll his eyes into the back of his head and get busy this weekend? Only time will tell.

Hodor = University of Wisconsin: I don't know, every dude on that team just kinda looks like Hodor. When Bo Ryan calls a play for Frank Kaminsky in the huddle, does Kaminsky just laugh goofily and breath out "KAMINSKY!" My guess is yes. 

Tennis was pretty much my favorite band of 2013. Something about their sound-half Belle and Sebastian and half 50's girl group-just gets to me. I finally saw them live for the first time in a club recently, and they were great. So much fun.

HAIM - Days Are Gone

This is my favorite song from 2013. I keep waiting to come to my senses and realize that this is just a corny throwaway pop song, but it's just not happening. This is the ultimate "happy place" song, and it never stops working. I could be in any of the following situations and still smile when this came on: 

- stuck in the DMV all day long with flesh-eating zombies slowing chewing on my ankles, unable to move due to temporary paralysis caused by eating a poisoned Reuben sandwich.

- taking a thirty- five hour long Improv Comedy Traffic School course, surrounded by eighty-three cantankerous octogenarians on trial for vehicular manslaughter for having barreled through a farmer's market yelling, "PESTICIDES FOREEEEVEEEEERRRR!"

- working a double shift at the zoo, assigned to elephant dung clean-up after someone switched out all the elephant food with Taco Bell's new Taco Waffles.

- riding the NYC subway 24 hours straight during a record heat wave with mandatory breaks every three hours during which my only task is to crawl on empty tracks and catch as many rats as possible. 

- working as Toby Keith's personal assistant, my main duty being to point out any males that don't appear to be "Ford Tough," so they can be summarily executed via strangulation by American flags woven out of moldy bread left over from Guy Fieri's last cookout.

I was morbidly curious about Haim after hearing this song the first time, and despite looking like they flew straight from an American Apparel shoot, it turns out they're sisters who have been playing music together since they were small kids. The psychotic bassfaces the one sister makes cements them as the real deal. They apparently co-wrote "Days Are Gone" with Jessie Ware, which makes sense, cause she also rules.