Verbose Versions of '80s Rock Song Titles!

For better or worse, I grew up listening to 80s rock. Some of it was good: Guns N' Roses, Metallica, and... I know there's another one in there. Some of it was, in retrospect, really bad. I will cop to enjoying Poison, Cinderella, Whitesnake, and many other neon-colored stinkers. I've got no shame, though. I was a kid, and that's what was on MTV and the radio at the time. Most people that claim they were listening to The Smiths and Primal Scream at nine are just engaging in unnecessary revisionist history, anyway. I say embrace the follies of youth! I'm gonna own the twelve-year-old jean jacket-wearing, long hair-growing, Stephen King-reading kid I was. Those were good times, and maybe those times would have been different if I'd still been in the basement, shooting game after game of pool with Pink Floyd's Animals playing in the background.

80s rock-be it hair metal or metal metal-was never much for subtlety. Every guitar solo had to be wankier than the previous one, and every Aqua-netted hairstyle had to be higher than the last one. I figure that the song titles for these "classics" should reflect the hyperbolic grandeur of the era. And so I present to you VERBOSE VERSIONS OF 80s ROCK SONG TITLES. Editor's note: this might be really lame. 

Sammy Hagar: "While I Am Aware of the Necessity of Parameters Regarding Speed Limits, I Nevertheless Find it Difficult to Adhere to Them"  🎸🔥🎸 YEAH! Let's do this!!!!

Gun's N Roses: "I Was Amorously Engaged With Her in the Recent Past, But Even More Recently I Facilitated Her Expiration In a Crime of Passion"  💋💔👹🚨🚑💘 Can you believe these guys are touring again? Axel looks like a poorly made Madame Toussaint figure, but the rest of the band-especially Slash-actually sound pretty good. Would I dare go to a show? Probably not, but you never know!

Bon Jovi: "Love Is Represented In a Negative Light Due to Your Past Behavior in the Aforementioned Category" 💏💘😡 I never got into Bon Jovi. They were seen as a band that girls were into. I WAS WAY TOO MACHO FOR THAT. It was like how everybody loved the album Hysteria by Def Leppard, but the girls were really into "Love Bites." The guys, however, thought it was kinda wussy. Therefore, during lunch, the girls would stare far into the distance when Joe Elliot sang, "When you make love, do you look in the mirror?" (?!?!) and the guys would scoff and bark, "PUT ON 'DONT SHOOT SHOTGUN,' MAN!" See Extreme's "More than Words" for even more compelling evidence regarding this phenomenon.

I'm posting a link to Mr. Brownstone because Appetite for Destruction still stands up after all these years, Slash's guitar solo kicks *** without being wanky, and this was always my favorite AFD track, even before I had any idea that Mr. Brownstone was heroin! OMG. Metaphors, you guys. 

https://youtu.be/KVYDnQwi3OQ