TRYING SOMETHING A LITTLE DIFFERENT: Writing Hypothetical Episodes for Potentially Horrible Series. First up is Unforgettable

I admit it: I'm bored with my blog. And as I was watching the first Dolphins game on TV thus far this year (I'm waiting for you, fairy godmother Deion Sanders), I finally found my inspiration for something different to try.

The inspiration was the trailer for what looks like a truly terrible television show. Granted, it could be good (I don't mean that at all-it's just in case somebody out there watches it and has a tendency to get defensive), but I'm gonna go along with the assumption that it's crap.

So what I want to try to do is, based solely on my viewing of this really cringe-inducing promo (which unfortunately isn't online-there's plenty others, though), I'm going to write an episode of the show. I'm not going to take a lot of time to do this, because frankly, I don't think the premise deserves that much of my time. OR DOES IT?! Anyway, here is a trailer. The acting isn't quite as awful as in the one I just saw on TV, but it's still a doozy. There are just a couple of words I'd want to change in the script.



Truly amazing stuff. My thinking is that the text on the screen shouldn't say:

SIX PEOPLE IN THE UNITED STATES HAVE THE ABILITY TO REMEMBER EVERYTHING. ONLY ONE OF THEM IS A COP.

Instead, it should quite obviously say:

SIX PEOPLE IN THE UNITED STATES HAVE THE ABILITY TO REMEMBER EVERYTHING. ONLY ONE OF THEM IS THIS HOT.

Ok, so here goes nothing. First episode:

-At the beginning of the episode, a Chuckie Cheese employee gets drowned to death in the ball pit by approximately fifteen crazed ten-year-olds who felt shortchanged at that counter where you exchange red tickets for cheaply made trinkets and toys.

- The manager is under suspicion, because he has a record of intentionally overcooking the pizzas, watching it burn the roofs of the mouths of unsuspecting customers, and cackling like a weirdo in the corner. That's actually illegal in Wyoming.

- Detective Unforgettable Red Hair Dye Job waits until the Chuckie Cheese is closed for the night, and goes in there alone, cause who does she need? She remembers everything! She put whole units out of a job when the police department got her resume.

- The manager is innocent, but the fifteen kids are actually his kids, because while he's not guilty of murder, he is guilty of running a Branch Davidian-like compound, where he has seven wives and thirty-two children.

- While the manager had some of his children do his dirty work in the ball pit, now that the heat has been turned up, he's willing to sacrifice himself. While Detective Unf is doing her thing, the manager creeps out of the shadows in full Chuckie mouse (looks more lke a rat to me) mascot costume, wielding a pizza-cutter-upper-into-sections thingie.

- When she sees him, her mind is instantly flooded with every creepy anthropomorphized animal mascot experience she's ever had. The time she ran into Mickey Mouse's arms at Disney World, and the voice came out like a sixty-five year old homeless man on a bender. The time Donald Duck's quacking sounded more like he was yacking up his breakfast (which subsequently made her yack on her little brother when she got on the Teacups ride).

- The one thing that made her the best detective also made her the worst combatant in a woman-versus-pizza slicer competition. She ended up in twelve equal pieces, and the writers (thankfully) unintentionally wrote themselves out of a show.

Q Lazzarus-Goodbye Horses/Brian Eno-Baby's on Fire/Tricky-Ponderosa

It's weird what scares people. I had been sick all last week, so I seriously slacked on getting together my costume (actually I usually slack, unless it's some simple pun costume). I grabbed a clown mask at Walgreen's fifteen minutes before the party started Friday night. I expected to walk in and have to make excuses as to why I had such a boring costume on, compared to all the elaborate Chinese take-out and Chiquita Banana costumes.

Boy, was I wrong. People were cowering in corners, whimpering like six-year-olds that think they've seen a monster under their bed. Three times I was having a conversation with a person and they said, in an even tone always on the verge of cracking, "I'm sorry, but we are going to be unable to carry on this conversation with that thing on your face." So I guess in the end the costume was a hit!

I had a scary music post last year, but this one's gonna go in a slightly different direction. "Goodbye Horses" by Q Lazarus existed before the movie Silence of the Lambs, but the scene in that film turned it into one of the scariest songs ever. Every time it comes on, I get chills and need to take a cold shower. You know what I mean if you've seen it. The scene's been spoofed to death, but a million spoofs can't stop that movie from being genuinely frightening.

Brian Eno is really good at making scary music. Last year I put one of his electronic songs in the scary music post, but "Baby's on Fire" gets its scariness from the vocals, lyrics, insane Robert Fripp guitars, and general oppressively dark atmosphere. Thankfully there's a bit of tongue-in-cheek in there too, cause 70s Brian Eno actually looks a lot like Silence of the Lambs's Buffalo Bill. TOO CLOSE FOR COMFS.

The last track, Tricky's "Ponderosa," isn't really scary, but it has a dark mood, and I love it so much. The contrast between the heavy beats and Martina Topley-Bird's paper thin vocals is so sexy. Tricky was so amazing at creating atmosphere, and "different levels of the devil's company" just sounds bad ass, like that Bible passage Jules recites every time he's about to off someone in Pulp Fiction.

Van Morrison-The Way Young Lovers Do/Ballerina/Jeff Buckley-Lilac Wine/So Real

Intensely emotional singer-songwriters might be the genre for which I have the lowest threshold for crappiness. The second the singer seems to be going over the top without sincerity (through my slightly jaded perception, I suppose) or is lacking the vocal chops to pull off his or her grand statement, I completely tune out. If you're gonna sing about your shoes filling up with rain at a funeral, you better bring it, or I'm gonna dump the water on your overly maudlin head.

A select few can pull it off, and when it's right, it can be magical. Astral Weeks by Van Morrison defies description, so I'll describe it for you here. Apparently he went into the studio, showed the musicians the lyrics, and just told them to play it how they feel. The jazz musicians went off, and somehow it worked. Sometimes the album sounds shambolic and exuberant, and other times it sounds balanced and peaceful. If there could ever be a benevolent exorcism performed, I think Morrison's vocals on this album would be the result. Though it would interesting to do a remix of the album with Linda Blair's Lucifer-channeling voice singing these tunes instead of Van. Just to see how it would turn out. Emo-classic-horror-core.

Jeff Buckley blew up when I was in high school. He died very young, as did his father, so of course the talk about him focuses as much on that mythology as on the music itself. He pulled off really emotional lyrics because he had an amazing voice, and could play the gee-tar like a champ. Grace is a great album, and these are two of my favorite tracks.

PS: There are four new albums I've been looking forward to that I HAVE to listen to this week. I am convinced (or hoping desperately) that I will really like at least one of these albums. I really need some new music.

Jesus & Mary Chain-Just Like Honey/April Skies; Primal Scream-Slip Inside This House

Now that the NBA is locked out and could possibly cancel the entire season, it's time to seriously reassess which sports are worth following, and which aren't. Let's get right down to it, shall we? I'll go in ascending order of interest.

- Nascar: Awful. Incomprehensibly boring. Driving in a circle for hours on end, with maybe three minutes at the end that decides the race. Maybe I don't understand the subtleties of this sport that make it so compelling, but I've got a feeling that it doesn't get much more nuanced than a case of Natty Light and staring at really loud blurs all day. I love how they're trying to introduce this professional wrestling aspect to it, with the drivers getting in each other's faces at the end of the race. Snoooooooooooze. Talk about trying to manufacture drama in a sport that provides none. This sport is getting way too popular, and being shown way too much on Sportscenter. Truly frightening trend.

MMA: Can't get into it at all. When I was a kid, boxing was fun to watch, with Tyson, Hagler, Hearns, Sugar Ray Leonard, etc. Now it's garbage, and this is just as bad. The matches last thirty seconds, and they just seem barbaric. I'm usually not squeamish, but I just feel like a bad person watching it. I feel like I should be calling the cops or something. I feel like Sylvester Stallone in Rocky IV, hopelessly watching while Apollo Creed gets his head bashed in. THROW IN THE TOWEL! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! And I'm bored at the same time, somehow.

Soccer: Fun to watch, especially when I know a bunch of players on the teams. I'm a pretty casual fan, but it is a fun sport to watch. It's almost like starting to watch the show Weeds, though. I feel like I already watch enough series/sports. If I totally threw myself down this rabbit hole, I might never resurface.

- College football: I love watching my Gators, but unless it's a huge matchup between top ten teams, or I'm vicariously rooting through a friend, I don't really have a huge amount of interest in watching other college football games. Utah vs. Nevada? I'd rather gnaw on a barbed wire fence.

Tennis: Tennis is my favorite sport to play, so of course I love watching it.

- Pro basketball: I still enjoy watching it, but there's not enough parity, and certain players almost single-handedly destroy entire teams (IE Carmelo Anthony and the Knicks). I won't really be upset if they cancel the season. More time for other things!

College Basketball: I love watching the Gators, but-unlike with football-I also fairly consistently enjoy watching other late-season top twenty-five games. The tournament is so freaking great.

- Pro football: The general obsession with fantasy football is annoying, but I still enjoy watching the games. Once again, my team blows right now, but hopefully we'll be awful enough to draft Andrew Luck.

- Baseball: I love baseball, and have since childhood. As a kid I pored over box scores, memorized statistics, and got hooked for life by the great NY Met teams. For some, though, the slow pace doesn't provide enough instant gratification and second-to-second action to appeal to them. It's somewhat similar to people's qualms with soccer. If you're really into it, and get into the subtleties of the game, it's fascinating. If you're a casual fan, it might seem boring at times. Myself, I'll never stop following baseball, no matter how disgusting and depressing the Mets get.

Once again, there's no transition to the music portion of this post. One of the guys from Primal Scream joined The Jesus and Mary Chain very early on, and lemme tell ya, he did a great job with both groups! "Just Like Honey" is from J&MC's classic debut album Psychocandy, and uses the intro to "Be My Baby" and mega-fuzzy guitars to great effect. "April Skies" is from Darklands, and while it sounds more conventional, it also absolutely destroys me. Every time the section from 1:23-2:08 comes on, I wanna jump around and pump my fists like I'm in a John Hughes movie montage.

"Slip Inside This House" is a housey old tune from the great Primal Scream album Screamadelica. Every time another element comes in, the song just keeps getting better. So flipping good.

Kavinsky-Nightcall/Jan Hammer-Miami Vice Theme/Michael Sembello-Maniac

I was born to an elderly father with a predilection for sports cars. Most of the music he played in these cars were CDs that the dealership salesman gave him to showcase the sound system in his prospective purchase. Therefore, I have many childhood memories of racing down the street in an Acura NSX at approximately five to seven miles below the speed limit, the Top Gun soundtrack blaring at a reasonable volume so as to not put unnecessary strain on the speakers. When the Early Bird special at The Chart House was winding down, sometimes we'd crank it up to sixty-eight miles per hour on the highway. Daytona Beach cops were notorious for handing out speeding tickets, but one time they pulled Dad over in a Porsche for going too slow.

The Miami Vice and Flashdance soundtracks were always in heavy rotation in Dad's car. In fact, the opening montage to the Miami Vice show might have been one of the main reasons we moved from New York to Florida. Palm trees! Beautiful women! Fast cars! Speedboats! Jai alai! Oh. Wait. No one cares about-or even knows-jai alai. Anyway. To this day, I think the Miami Vice theme song is awesome.

"Maniac" is a pretty sweet song from Flashdance, another 80s classic. Whoever made this video totally blew it when he put "Just a still town girl on a Saturday night" as the opening lyric. IT'S STEEL TOWN GIRL. That's what makes the movie so inspiring! She's a steel worker who becomes a star! It's like Zoolander in reverse!

"Nightcall" by Kavinsky is on the soundtrack of the movie Drive. The entire movie has a very eighties feel to it, right down to the florescent pink tiger print font and the spooked-out Michael Mann-ish cinematography. The synths in this song are very eighties, and the transition from the creepy machine voice to the saccharine chorus is great.